hi.  i'm back.  i know that my postings have been few.  and extremely far between.  let's just go ahead and skip over all that and start anew.  again.

this post has been rehersed over and over again in my mind and yet still i'm not quite sure where to start or where it's going to end.  this might have to take the form of several posts.

one year ago, on march 30, my husband and i found out that our daughter has epilepsy.  after an EEG on march 4, and several weeks of waiting (because the doctors failed to tell us the results of the test were in) our suspicions of seizures were confirmed.  and my heart was broken.

sitting there in that cold, sterile doctor's office i felt broken.  so broken.  and afraid.  and confused.  and weak.  and, most of all, helpless.

for the first time in my life i was in the middle of a situation that i could do NOTHING to control.  my daughter had seizures.  40-50 seizures a day at the height of it all.  and all i could do was watch.  and cry.  and pray.  for 29 years, every event, every situation, every circumstance i encountered, i had some semblance of control.  i was able to choose, or decide or work to change or alter whatever needed altering or changing.  but with my daughter's epilepsy i was helpless.  and i hated it. 

the feeling of helplessness, for me, was just a short jump from dispair, hoplessness, and fear.  every morning i woke up hoping, desperately hoping, that it would be the day that we didn't see a seizure.  and every night i went to bed so broken and discouraged by the multitude of seizures that she was still having.

i found myself broken before the Lord, needing Him in a way that i have NEVER needed Him before.  the fact that i was helpless to do anything to fix my daughter brought me to a deeper dependence than i have ever known.... but i think i want to save my reflections on this aspect for another post.

it is slightly surreal to think that one year ago i had just been tossed into this sea of darkness with no idea of what my daughter's future might hold with her diagnosis of epilepsy.  it has been a year that i have no desire to ever repeat.  but i can honestly say that i wouldn't undo the year either. 

i think i'll leave this post a little open ended... for now.  no conclusion per se, just a promise to write and reflect more on this past year soon.