timing is everything

today has been a day of many frustrations. 
1) my daughter left sunday school with a bruise on her forehead because a little boy was hitting her
2) the art project i've been preparing in my mind is not coming out nearly as cool as i'd hoped it would
3) after a month on benadryl, my daughter's nose is still ceaselessly running
4) while doing dishes i accidentally knocked down one of my favorite bowls which shattered into hundreds of ceramic pieces
5) a whole week has passed and i have not engaged in any intentional play/learn/develop time with my daughter

all of these have combined nicely to make me feel very defeated today.  but i think it's the last one that's really rubbing me raw.  when she was diagnosed with seizures one of the toughest parts was my complete inability to do anything to "fix" her.  it was horrible to feel so helpless.  when she was "diagnosed" with some developmental delays i immediately felt the burden to do my part and do everything i could to catch her up.  but let me tell you, this burden has become so heavy, and honestly, there are just some days that i don't pick it up.  and i'm learning that this is okay... but i'll share my thoughts on that some other time.

what i want to process through is the question "why hasn't God healed her (developmentally) yet?"  i am currently doing a Bible Study called "Faithful, Abundant, True" by Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer and Beth Moore.  the study i'm doing today is called "our unmanageable God."  in it, priscilla asks the question "Have you ever asked God for a tangible answer and He made you wait to receive it?"  um, yes.  then she asks, "How did you respond to His delayed answer?"  do i have to answer this one?  next, "Were there results that might not have happened without the delay?"  ohh, now this questions is making me uncomfortable.  finally she asks, "Why do you think we often become so frustrated with the Lord when we perceive that answers to our prayers are bing delayed," to which i wrote, "Because I believe that I am ready for the answer now- I want results now."

as soon as i wrote this the Lord just gripped my heart with some hard but powerful truth.  i DO NOT know His perfect timing, or His perfect plan.  apparently i believe that my timing is perfect, but have i ever stopped to think that the waiting might be a part of His plan- sweet time that He wants to use to prepare me for His answer.  time that He longs to use to speak to my heart, to quiet me with His love, to strengthen my faith.

but here's the thing that really hit me:  what if God is delaying the answer because He needs to prepare my heart for the answer that i don't want.  what is God is never going to allow my daughter to catch up developmentally?

i am not ready for that to be the answer to my prayers. 

but if it is His answer, then i have to believe that He is using today, and tomorrow, and yesterday to prepare my heart for this answer... or whatever answer He may choose to send my way

so i guess that was my very long about way of saying that today has been hard.  waiting and trying and failing are hard.  but God is speaking to my heart and i'm grateful that His truth can still penetrate.