ok, so i've been avoiding this for awhile. reasons are mostly unknown. but, if i'm honest, i think i got a little scared. i got intimidated that this blog has nothing to "offer" to my readers... all 5 of you. i started believing, once again, that someone might be disappointed if my posts weren't witty, insightful, creative, whatever.
ahh, why do i listen to these lies? hum, i think i'll save analyzing that for another post...
in the meantime, i've decided to start using this blog as a make-shift journal. i'm not fantastic at journaling, but i cannot tell you how many times i've wished i was. way too many seasons of my life that needed to be recorded- all the ups and downs, the emotions, the crazy thinking, the processing, the teachings from the Lord and the growth.
i am currently transitioning from one season and heading into another. about a year ago my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy. at the time of her diagnosis she was having 40+ seizures a day. the diagnosis was completely devestating and the journey that followed was beyond difficult. for now i will leave out all the details (and maybe save them for another blog) but i will say that that journey seriously altered my life in so many ways.
last week my daughter had her 4th EEG and for the first time it did not show any seizure activity. still, this brings me to tears. healing is in His hands. so amazing to be able to say that. here's the problem: shouldn't i be more happy to say that?
don't get me wrong, a seizure free report is the news i have been waiting for for almost a year. but now that i have it my heart and mind have jumped to worrying about the next thing- her development. because of her seizures my daughter has displayed some developmental delay. she is almost 2 and cannot scoop with a spoon or stab with a fork. she can stack 1-2 blocks, but not 6 like the milestones say she should. when walking she trips ALL the time. she doesn't play pretend anything. and when around other kids she doesn't seem to engage in playing with them. we are working with a special instructor and an occupational therapist to help her "catch up," and it has truly helped. but still she is behind. and still i worry.
i let my mind wander down the road of "what ifs..." and eventually these scenarios so consume my thoughts that i come close to completely giving up. why do i let her delay discourage me the way i do? the perfectionist side of me says that if my daughter isn't "perfect" then i have done something wrong and am to be blamed. period. i find myself running to every excuse, trying to defend myself and my daughter against any attach- but WAIT... NO ONE IS ATTACKING. NO ONE IS ACCUSING. NO ONE IS CRITICIZING.
i have this horrible tendency to believe the lies that satan throws at me- i'm only as good as the perfect image that i can display. i'm only as good as the perfect image my family can display. i'm only as good as my best accomplishment, or my cutest outfit, or my witty conversation, or my best decorated room, or my... whatever. pick a topic, and i can find a way to let it determine my worth. and for this season of my life, it is my daughters development that daily influences how i feel about myself... and my future.
so now, i must write the truth. even if i'm not fully believing it. i have to begin by telling it to myself before i can begin believing it. as the shane & shane song says, "Lord i know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time." so here it is:
1) i and my daughter are fearfully and wonderfully made
2) God has plans for a hope and a future for both of us
3) He can use all things for His glory
4) perfect doesn't exist
5) God cans still use her to bring Himself glory
6) God can still give her a heart that is undivided in her love for Him
7) i do not know what tomorrow holds, so i can stop worrying
8) developmental delay is not THAT big of a deal
9) God has chosen me to be her mom and has prepared me for whatever may come
10) God is fully aware of my daughter and me. in fact He is intimate in my everyday.
i know that i will likely continue to struggle with my daughter's development- to be discouraged by it from time to time, and to occasionally get overwhelmed by the situation. but i needed to take the time today to refocus my heart. to allow the Lord to speak truth over me.
is it hard? yes. is it devestating? no. and hopefully i can remember that the next time my heart travels down that path.
psalm 112.7- she will have no fear of bad news. her heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
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