Saturday, May 14, 2011

missing out

my friend jessica is getting married today.  in savannah georgia.  i live in branson missouri.  that is a very long ways away.  and due to nursing babies and finances i am unable to attend.  and i hate that.  i so want to be there to watch and celebrate my friend's marriage.  i so want to be at the fun little college reunion that is happening right now.  and i so hate missing out.

what is it about missing out that drives me so?  i mean, i will work very hard to not "miss out"... even if it is something that i'm not all that interested in.  if others are going or doing, suddenly the event becomes just a little more appealing, and i will try every avenue possible to make myself a part of the action.  wouldn't want to miss out on that thing that i don't actually care all that much about just in case it turns out to be something great... oh the maddness.

maybe it's the fear of feeling left out- inside jokes, fun memories, great pictures- that i'm not a part of.  this then leads to the feeling of lonliness- if i'm not there and they still have fun then i must not be all that important to them.  INSANE, i know, but i think that sometimes this is how my mind and heart reason.  and all of this leads to a sense of unworth- if i'm left out and feeling lonely, then i must not be that significant.  and there's the root of it, where do i place my significance? 

this is a battle that the Lord and i have walked through for many, many years.  the Lord has released me from so many lies on this front... but obviously i have some road left in truly finding my significance in Him.  but i do love that i am able to recognize the lies much more quickly nowadays.  now to replacing them with truth...

so i write all this mostly so that i can see the nonsense in my mind and let go (just a little) of my fear of missing out.  but with all that being said, i still do wish i was in savannah right now- love you lots jessica, lindsay, kate, brooke, marta and erin!