in the hope that i might get myself back on this blogging train i've decided to try and post multiple times this week. yesterday i gave a very brief introduction to what life looked like after my daughter was diagnosed with epilespy. today i want to expand on one facet of that journey: my faith walk with the Lord
having grown up in the church, with a personal relationship with the Lord from a very young age, i've always wondered what my faith would look like if it was ever truly tested. the day i learned that my daughter had epilepsy, my faith was thrown into the fire.
how do i begin to describe the desperation that flowed out of my heart and into my prayers. with all my heart i wanted the Lord to heal my daughter completely. like i said yesterday, i woke up every day hoping that it would be the day that He would heal her and take away her seizures. and every night i went to bed broken because the seizures remained. test one: can i believe that God is able to heal her, even when He doesn't?
as i earnestly prayed for her healing i came to realize that i had to completely release her whole life into the Lord's hands. i had always known this in my head, but all of the sudden this became a concious decision that i had to make. finding myself in a situation that i had zero control over, i found myself kneeling before the Lord and surrendering her life to Him. test two: can i believe that God IS love, and cannot operate outside of His love for me and my daughter, even in a situation riddled with pain and fear.
i found myself crying, almost daily. i so wanted to fix everything. i wanted to return to my plans and my purposes. and i came to realize that not only did i have to surrender my daughter's life into the Lord's hands, but i had to release my plans for her life as well. test three: can i believe that the Lord's plans for her life are better, far better, than mine? can i believe that He is truly soverign in her life? in my life?
while there were many, many other small but significant tests that i walked through, these three tests sum up all that i really wrestled with. if you stop and read those questions... no, not just read, but really ask yourself those questions, the answers are not so easy. it's easy to say that we believe God is all that He says He is. but when our life situations seem to contradict one of His attributes (e.g. my daughter is sick and yet He is the healer), this belief becomes a decision. and let me tell you, it's not always an easy decison to make.
several months after her initial diagnosis, i was reading the passage about the two builders. you know the story about the wise man who built his house upon the rock, and the foolish man who built his upon the sand (sing that sunday school song with me). as i was reading this the Holy Spirit spoke so loudly to my heart. i realized in that moment that i had, in fact, built my house upon the rock. the rains had come down in my life, and the floods had definitely risen. and yet my house stood firm. did i wrestle to truly believe that God was truly soverign and loving as i watched my daughter have seizure after seizure. yes. but i still chose to believe. i still chose to trust and pray through every fearful, tear filled moment.
i think that i will always wrestle to fully believe that God is ALL that He says He is, but i will not give up the wrestling match. and as much as i hated everything about my daughters seizures, i will always be grateful that it ushered me toward a more intimate and genuine relationship with the Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment