recently i have been thinking in "blogs." although my life is far from fascinating, there are little things throughout the day that i find amusing, frustrating or interesting, and therefore blog-worthy. today's blog, however, is none of these. while i have been mulling over this post for about a week now, the right words and thoughts still seem to evade me, so forgive me if i ramble.
two weeks ago a good friend from high school's dad passed away. eight days later another good friend from high school lost his father. and one of my oldest and dearest friends is married to the first guy. i cannot stop thinking about and praying for these two families, and the many lives that are affected by the loses. i have cried for all of them, i have been so saddened by their losses, and i have walked through the valley of grief with them, even from a thousand miles away.
although it has been awhile since i have experienced the pain of losing a loved one, i do believe that i am familiar with grief. and i don't think the cause matters, grief is grief. it hurts. it overwhelms. it runs deep. but eventually it doesn't hurt, as much. eventually, it is not as overwhelming. and, eventually, it moves to shallower ground. but i think it always lingers.
maybe i'm wrong about that. maybe eventually the grief over a deep-seated loss goes away. and maybe it isn't the grief that lingers, but i think something sticks around. don't know what to call it, but there is something that remains- a reminder of sorts. why does this "something" stick around?... i'm not entirely sure. but for right now, and for these past two weeks, this lingering grief has allowed me to feel connected to my friends who are so far away. i know my source of grief is different from theirs, but i feel able to mourn with them. and i feel able to pray for them.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1.3-5
Much love and comfort to you, Matt, Amanda and Rob.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
gained the tubes, lost the adenoids
last thursday (june 30th) my daughter, B, had her very first (and hopefully last) surgery. after 2 years of a constant runny and/or stuffy nose i finally became fed up with stashing a box of kleenex around every corner of my house, and i took her to the ENT. the doctor determined that she did have liquid in (or is it behind?) her eardrum and so was a good candidate for ear tubes. he said that while she was under anesthesia he would look at her adenoids and remove them if they were enlarged.
although i knew this was a very minor surgery i still had to fight feelings of anxiousness. my husband and i have received so much frustrating and bad news from B's doctors over the past year and a half, that we almost expected something to go not-quite-right during her surgery (i know, pessimism can easily reign at times).
thankfully everything went great... and fast. i don't think i was in the waiting room longer than 20 minutes before they called my name to let me know it was over and all went great. she had just a small amount of liquid in (behind?) her eardrums, and the adenoids were definitely enlarged and in need of removal. buh bye adenoids!
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small side note: because of her enlarged adenoids + her constant runny nose, B has been a mouth breather since birth (basically). this mouth breathing has caused her to have a "weak" jaw since she always leaves her mouth open, which we believe has also led to a "weak" tongue. all of this, we think, is contributing to (but not the source of) her speech delays, as well as her eating "problems." her speech therapist noticed that she doesn't really chew her food but kind of gnaws on it then swallows... yes, gagged-up food is a regular part of meal time... thank you very much weak jaw and tongue. we now have a "chew tube" for her to use to strengthen both tongue and jaw (awesome, add that to my daily to-do list). it has been so interesting to start uncovering all the different factors that are contributing to her delays. glad we're finding answers. frustrated that we didn't find them earlier. but in this frustration the Lord reminds me, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43.18-19 (my promise for this season in B's life!) Hello Chew Tube, let's get started!
although i knew this was a very minor surgery i still had to fight feelings of anxiousness. my husband and i have received so much frustrating and bad news from B's doctors over the past year and a half, that we almost expected something to go not-quite-right during her surgery (i know, pessimism can easily reign at times).
thankfully everything went great... and fast. i don't think i was in the waiting room longer than 20 minutes before they called my name to let me know it was over and all went great. she had just a small amount of liquid in (behind?) her eardrums, and the adenoids were definitely enlarged and in need of removal. buh bye adenoids!
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| 6 am, waiting in the lobby with our beloved "puppy" |
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| dressed in her fetching hospital gown, making everyone in the halls smile with her laughter |
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| our fabulous hospital showered her with gifts, including a new movie "tinkerbell" |
small side note: because of her enlarged adenoids + her constant runny nose, B has been a mouth breather since birth (basically). this mouth breathing has caused her to have a "weak" jaw since she always leaves her mouth open, which we believe has also led to a "weak" tongue. all of this, we think, is contributing to (but not the source of) her speech delays, as well as her eating "problems." her speech therapist noticed that she doesn't really chew her food but kind of gnaws on it then swallows... yes, gagged-up food is a regular part of meal time... thank you very much weak jaw and tongue. we now have a "chew tube" for her to use to strengthen both tongue and jaw (awesome, add that to my daily to-do list). it has been so interesting to start uncovering all the different factors that are contributing to her delays. glad we're finding answers. frustrated that we didn't find them earlier. but in this frustration the Lord reminds me, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43.18-19 (my promise for this season in B's life!) Hello Chew Tube, let's get started!
Monday, June 27, 2011
it's a trip, not a vacation
my husband and i were told that once you have kids you no longer take vacations... you take trips. ohhh, this statement couldn't be any truer. and the family got to take a trip this weekend up to lake city, minnesota for a family reunion. almost 50 members of my mom's side of the family reunited for the weekend in the town where 2 out of the 5 siblings grew up. right on the mississippi river, we got together for a fun time of reminiscing and catching up. relaxing... one hotel room, two adults + two babies, two 11-hour road trips, 2 a.m. crying, 5:30 a.m. wake up, feeding a 2 year old with no high chair, following a crawling 6 month old around a hotel lobby... nope, not relaxing. enjoyable... seeing mom + dad + brother + sister-in-law + 50 aunts, uncles, cousins, cousin spouses, cousin kids, a petting zoo, a small town carnival, running along the mississippi, catching up with the masses, seeing the house where mom grew up... yup, very enjoyable. i enjoy my family, immediate and extended, very much, and it was so interesting to hear stories of my grandma and grandpa (who i hardly knew) and discover so many of their personality traits oozing out of me. i'm discovering daily how important family is to me, as my own has grown from just my husband and me, to my husband, me, two kiddos and two dogs. so it was neat to experience "family" on a much bigger scale for the weekend.
below are a couple pics from the weekend.... i haven't yet decided if i'm going to use my husband and kid's names in my posts so for now i'll just use their initials. p.s. there are not many pics of G (my son) cause he seemed to be sleeping during all the photo shoots. enjoy.
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below are a couple pics from the weekend.... i haven't yet decided if i'm going to use my husband and kid's names in my posts so for now i'll just use their initials. p.s. there are not many pics of G (my son) cause he seemed to be sleeping during all the photo shoots. enjoy.
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| yes we are driving, yes she is out of her seat. it's a loooong road trip. |
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| currently ok with being in the car seat... the drive must have just begun. |
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| i'm telling you, he slept during all the fun stuff |
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| went to a petting zoo... first were the miniature donkeys |
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| then came the llamas... or were they alpacas? or are they the same animal? |
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| then the calves, and the tasty green metal fence |
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| finally a pony ride, or um, a pony sit. |
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| putting our toes in the mississippi |
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| B and me |
Friday, June 10, 2011
my playlist
those of you who know me well know that i'm not exactly a music connoisseur. or expert. or fanatic. i enjoy music, but i know little (ok, nothing) about what's cool. or up-and-coming. or on the edge. i usually borrow all my music insights and favorites from friends and family. you could say i'm a music poser.
that being said, i find it slightly amusing that i've decided to blog about my "playlist." there is nothing on this list that is some secret discovery- these are simply songs that the Lord used to speak to my heart during the really hard days of this past year. the Word of God was always a constant source of truth, and conversations with friends were amazing blessings, but praise songs spoke to my heart in a way that nothing else could. the following list is my makes-me-cry-but-i-love-and-need-the-truth-in-the-lyrics playlist. if you do not own these songs, buy them, now.
Mighty To Save by Hillsong
Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster
Healing Is In Your Hands by Christy Nockels
My Help Comes From The Lord by The Museum
No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts
"The Love of The Lord Endures" by Joy Williams
**Couldn't find this one of GrooveShark, but ya'll need to find it and listen!**
Blessings by Laura Story
**New discovery and I heart the lyrics a lot**
Happy Listening!!
that being said, i find it slightly amusing that i've decided to blog about my "playlist." there is nothing on this list that is some secret discovery- these are simply songs that the Lord used to speak to my heart during the really hard days of this past year. the Word of God was always a constant source of truth, and conversations with friends were amazing blessings, but praise songs spoke to my heart in a way that nothing else could. the following list is my makes-me-cry-but-i-love-and-need-the-truth-in-the-lyrics playlist. if you do not own these songs, buy them, now.
Mighty To Save by Hillsong
Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster
Healing Is In Your Hands by Christy Nockels
My Help Comes From The Lord by The Museum
No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts
"The Love of The Lord Endures" by Joy Williams
**Couldn't find this one of GrooveShark, but ya'll need to find it and listen!**
Blessings by Laura Story
**New discovery and I heart the lyrics a lot**
Happy Listening!!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
same song, new meaning
last year, at this time, i wore water proof mascara to church. why? because i could not make it though worship without crying. and our worship team had this horrible (by that i mean wonderful) habit of singing "Mighty To Save" week after week. the minute the drums intro-ed this song, the water works began. the chorus states:
Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is Mighty to Save. He is Mighty to Save. Forever, Author of Salvation. He rose and conquered the grave. Yes He conquered the grave.
every time we came to the chorus i could barely speak those first two lines. as the music rang i whispered those words as a prayer. fighting to hope that this was true of my God. i wanted to believe with my whole life that my Savior could move the mountains of my daughter's seizures. i wanted to fully trust that He was Mighty to Save her from her epilepsy. these words were an anchor for my soul and the hope i held onto when all else was dark.
we sang this song again this morning. once again the tears started up... and i forgot to put on my waterproof. hello racoon eyes. but when we got to the chorus i found myself singing the words with a brand new motivation. no longer was the line "He can move the mountains, My God is Mighty to Save" a prayer... it was a declaration. the joy that i feel in writing that and declaring that is awesome.
my Savior has moved mountains this past year. He was, and IS Mighty to Save. i hope i never have to cling to these promises again, although i'm sure i will. but when that day comes, i can cling to them while also KNOWING they are true.
Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is Mighty to Save. He is Mighty to Save. Forever, Author of Salvation. He rose and conquered the grave. Yes He conquered the grave.
every time we came to the chorus i could barely speak those first two lines. as the music rang i whispered those words as a prayer. fighting to hope that this was true of my God. i wanted to believe with my whole life that my Savior could move the mountains of my daughter's seizures. i wanted to fully trust that He was Mighty to Save her from her epilepsy. these words were an anchor for my soul and the hope i held onto when all else was dark.
we sang this song again this morning. once again the tears started up... and i forgot to put on my waterproof. hello racoon eyes. but when we got to the chorus i found myself singing the words with a brand new motivation. no longer was the line "He can move the mountains, My God is Mighty to Save" a prayer... it was a declaration. the joy that i feel in writing that and declaring that is awesome.
my Savior has moved mountains this past year. He was, and IS Mighty to Save. i hope i never have to cling to these promises again, although i'm sure i will. but when that day comes, i can cling to them while also KNOWING they are true.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
thankful for the unknown
this post has been twirling in my mind for several weeks now (hence the huge gap between posts). i've been trying to get it just right and have finally decided that i just need to get it out and see what comes of it. also, i'm finally going to let the world, i.e. facebook, know that i'm blogging, so i wanted this to be a great post. pride, i know. but i'm letting go of it so i can simply stop thinking about this post.
recently i've been thinking about how i am actually grateful for the unknown. now those of you who know me well know that this is a very unlike me statement to make. and most of the time, i really hate the unknown. i want to know the plan. i want to know what's coming. i want to pretend that i'm prepared and ready for everything. i don't like the unknown.
but, as i've been looking back over this past year, i've come to discover how truly blessed i was by the unknown. when my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy last march her entire future became this huge question mark. what did this diagnosis mean? what was causing the seizures? will she ever outgrow the seizures? will we ever find a medicine that will stop them? how will this affect her development? so, so, so many questions and NO answers. for 8 months the doctor could not answer any of these. and i, in the midst of it all, was hating the unknown.
despite my hatred of the unanswered questions i, for some reason, kept myself from researching the internet for possible answers. the Lord pressed it heavily upon my heart that i needed to stay away from the searching. and now, one year later, i am beginning to understand why.
about a month ago a friend told me about a college friend of her's who's child was exhibiting similar seizure activity to my daughters, but she never recognized it as seizures or took her child to the doctor to get it examined. sadly, the child ended up having a grand mal seizure that took her life. i cannot even write that without feeling overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. my friend, in her wisdom, did not share this story with me as it was happening last summer. had i heard this story last summer, i don't know if i would have been able to cope with that possibility in my daughter's life. a case of the good unknown.
several weeks ago i was browsing through the blog of a friend of a friend (read her post on May 9)- this family has a daughter that was born right around the same time as my daughter, and has been diagnosed with epilepsy, along with several other disabilities. her 2 year old is close to a 5 month old developmentally. i don't know if the seizures are the source of her delays and disabilities, but as i read i couldn't help but be grateful that i didn't know that my daughters seizures could have taken her down a much more difficult road. again, so glad i didn't know.
so, despite my continued desire to be in the know, i have learned, and continue to learn, that there is something precious and valuable in the unknown.
recently i've been thinking about how i am actually grateful for the unknown. now those of you who know me well know that this is a very unlike me statement to make. and most of the time, i really hate the unknown. i want to know the plan. i want to know what's coming. i want to pretend that i'm prepared and ready for everything. i don't like the unknown.
but, as i've been looking back over this past year, i've come to discover how truly blessed i was by the unknown. when my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy last march her entire future became this huge question mark. what did this diagnosis mean? what was causing the seizures? will she ever outgrow the seizures? will we ever find a medicine that will stop them? how will this affect her development? so, so, so many questions and NO answers. for 8 months the doctor could not answer any of these. and i, in the midst of it all, was hating the unknown.
despite my hatred of the unanswered questions i, for some reason, kept myself from researching the internet for possible answers. the Lord pressed it heavily upon my heart that i needed to stay away from the searching. and now, one year later, i am beginning to understand why.
about a month ago a friend told me about a college friend of her's who's child was exhibiting similar seizure activity to my daughters, but she never recognized it as seizures or took her child to the doctor to get it examined. sadly, the child ended up having a grand mal seizure that took her life. i cannot even write that without feeling overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. my friend, in her wisdom, did not share this story with me as it was happening last summer. had i heard this story last summer, i don't know if i would have been able to cope with that possibility in my daughter's life. a case of the good unknown.
several weeks ago i was browsing through the blog of a friend of a friend (read her post on May 9)- this family has a daughter that was born right around the same time as my daughter, and has been diagnosed with epilepsy, along with several other disabilities. her 2 year old is close to a 5 month old developmentally. i don't know if the seizures are the source of her delays and disabilities, but as i read i couldn't help but be grateful that i didn't know that my daughters seizures could have taken her down a much more difficult road. again, so glad i didn't know.
so, despite my continued desire to be in the know, i have learned, and continue to learn, that there is something precious and valuable in the unknown.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
missing out
my friend jessica is getting married today. in savannah georgia. i live in branson missouri. that is a very long ways away. and due to nursing babies and finances i am unable to attend. and i hate that. i so want to be there to watch and celebrate my friend's marriage. i so want to be at the fun little college reunion that is happening right now. and i so hate missing out.
what is it about missing out that drives me so? i mean, i will work very hard to not "miss out"... even if it is something that i'm not all that interested in. if others are going or doing, suddenly the event becomes just a little more appealing, and i will try every avenue possible to make myself a part of the action. wouldn't want to miss out on that thing that i don't actually care all that much about just in case it turns out to be something great... oh the maddness.
maybe it's the fear of feeling left out- inside jokes, fun memories, great pictures- that i'm not a part of. this then leads to the feeling of lonliness- if i'm not there and they still have fun then i must not be all that important to them. INSANE, i know, but i think that sometimes this is how my mind and heart reason. and all of this leads to a sense of unworth- if i'm left out and feeling lonely, then i must not be that significant. and there's the root of it, where do i place my significance?
this is a battle that the Lord and i have walked through for many, many years. the Lord has released me from so many lies on this front... but obviously i have some road left in truly finding my significance in Him. but i do love that i am able to recognize the lies much more quickly nowadays. now to replacing them with truth...
so i write all this mostly so that i can see the nonsense in my mind and let go (just a little) of my fear of missing out. but with all that being said, i still do wish i was in savannah right now- love you lots jessica, lindsay, kate, brooke, marta and erin!
what is it about missing out that drives me so? i mean, i will work very hard to not "miss out"... even if it is something that i'm not all that interested in. if others are going or doing, suddenly the event becomes just a little more appealing, and i will try every avenue possible to make myself a part of the action. wouldn't want to miss out on that thing that i don't actually care all that much about just in case it turns out to be something great... oh the maddness.
maybe it's the fear of feeling left out- inside jokes, fun memories, great pictures- that i'm not a part of. this then leads to the feeling of lonliness- if i'm not there and they still have fun then i must not be all that important to them. INSANE, i know, but i think that sometimes this is how my mind and heart reason. and all of this leads to a sense of unworth- if i'm left out and feeling lonely, then i must not be that significant. and there's the root of it, where do i place my significance?
this is a battle that the Lord and i have walked through for many, many years. the Lord has released me from so many lies on this front... but obviously i have some road left in truly finding my significance in Him. but i do love that i am able to recognize the lies much more quickly nowadays. now to replacing them with truth...
so i write all this mostly so that i can see the nonsense in my mind and let go (just a little) of my fear of missing out. but with all that being said, i still do wish i was in savannah right now- love you lots jessica, lindsay, kate, brooke, marta and erin!
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