this post has been twirling in my mind for several weeks now (hence the huge gap between posts). i've been trying to get it just right and have finally decided that i just need to get it out and see what comes of it. also, i'm finally going to let the world, i.e. facebook, know that i'm blogging, so i wanted this to be a great post. pride, i know. but i'm letting go of it so i can simply stop thinking about this post.
recently i've been thinking about how i am actually grateful for the unknown. now those of you who know me well know that this is a very unlike me statement to make. and most of the time, i really hate the unknown. i want to know the plan. i want to know what's coming. i want to pretend that i'm prepared and ready for everything. i don't like the unknown.
but, as i've been looking back over this past year, i've come to discover how truly blessed i was by the unknown. when my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy last march her entire future became this huge question mark. what did this diagnosis mean? what was causing the seizures? will she ever outgrow the seizures? will we ever find a medicine that will stop them? how will this affect her development? so, so, so many questions and NO answers. for 8 months the doctor could not answer any of these. and i, in the midst of it all, was hating the unknown.
despite my hatred of the unanswered questions i, for some reason, kept myself from researching the internet for possible answers. the Lord pressed it heavily upon my heart that i needed to stay away from the searching. and now, one year later, i am beginning to understand why.
about a month ago a friend told me about a college friend of her's who's child was exhibiting similar seizure activity to my daughters, but she never recognized it as seizures or took her child to the doctor to get it examined. sadly, the child ended up having a grand mal seizure that took her life. i cannot even write that without feeling overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. my friend, in her wisdom, did not share this story with me as it was happening last summer. had i heard this story last summer, i don't know if i would have been able to cope with that possibility in my daughter's life. a case of the good unknown.
several weeks ago i was browsing through the blog of a friend of a friend (read her post on May 9)- this family has a daughter that was born right around the same time as my daughter, and has been diagnosed with epilepsy, along with several other disabilities. her 2 year old is close to a 5 month old developmentally. i don't know if the seizures are the source of her delays and disabilities, but as i read i couldn't help but be grateful that i didn't know that my daughters seizures could have taken her down a much more difficult road. again, so glad i didn't know.
so, despite my continued desire to be in the know, i have learned, and continue to learn, that there is something precious and valuable in the unknown.
Showing posts with label development. Show all posts
Showing posts with label development. Show all posts
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
a journal entry
ok, so i've been avoiding this for awhile. reasons are mostly unknown. but, if i'm honest, i think i got a little scared. i got intimidated that this blog has nothing to "offer" to my readers... all 5 of you. i started believing, once again, that someone might be disappointed if my posts weren't witty, insightful, creative, whatever.
ahh, why do i listen to these lies? hum, i think i'll save analyzing that for another post...
in the meantime, i've decided to start using this blog as a make-shift journal. i'm not fantastic at journaling, but i cannot tell you how many times i've wished i was. way too many seasons of my life that needed to be recorded- all the ups and downs, the emotions, the crazy thinking, the processing, the teachings from the Lord and the growth.
i am currently transitioning from one season and heading into another. about a year ago my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy. at the time of her diagnosis she was having 40+ seizures a day. the diagnosis was completely devestating and the journey that followed was beyond difficult. for now i will leave out all the details (and maybe save them for another blog) but i will say that that journey seriously altered my life in so many ways.
last week my daughter had her 4th EEG and for the first time it did not show any seizure activity. still, this brings me to tears. healing is in His hands. so amazing to be able to say that. here's the problem: shouldn't i be more happy to say that?
don't get me wrong, a seizure free report is the news i have been waiting for for almost a year. but now that i have it my heart and mind have jumped to worrying about the next thing- her development. because of her seizures my daughter has displayed some developmental delay. she is almost 2 and cannot scoop with a spoon or stab with a fork. she can stack 1-2 blocks, but not 6 like the milestones say she should. when walking she trips ALL the time. she doesn't play pretend anything. and when around other kids she doesn't seem to engage in playing with them. we are working with a special instructor and an occupational therapist to help her "catch up," and it has truly helped. but still she is behind. and still i worry.
i let my mind wander down the road of "what ifs..." and eventually these scenarios so consume my thoughts that i come close to completely giving up. why do i let her delay discourage me the way i do? the perfectionist side of me says that if my daughter isn't "perfect" then i have done something wrong and am to be blamed. period. i find myself running to every excuse, trying to defend myself and my daughter against any attach- but WAIT... NO ONE IS ATTACKING. NO ONE IS ACCUSING. NO ONE IS CRITICIZING.
i have this horrible tendency to believe the lies that satan throws at me- i'm only as good as the perfect image that i can display. i'm only as good as the perfect image my family can display. i'm only as good as my best accomplishment, or my cutest outfit, or my witty conversation, or my best decorated room, or my... whatever. pick a topic, and i can find a way to let it determine my worth. and for this season of my life, it is my daughters development that daily influences how i feel about myself... and my future.
so now, i must write the truth. even if i'm not fully believing it. i have to begin by telling it to myself before i can begin believing it. as the shane & shane song says, "Lord i know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time." so here it is:
1) i and my daughter are fearfully and wonderfully made
2) God has plans for a hope and a future for both of us
3) He can use all things for His glory
4) perfect doesn't exist
5) God cans still use her to bring Himself glory
6) God can still give her a heart that is undivided in her love for Him
7) i do not know what tomorrow holds, so i can stop worrying
8) developmental delay is not THAT big of a deal
9) God has chosen me to be her mom and has prepared me for whatever may come
10) God is fully aware of my daughter and me. in fact He is intimate in my everyday.
i know that i will likely continue to struggle with my daughter's development- to be discouraged by it from time to time, and to occasionally get overwhelmed by the situation. but i needed to take the time today to refocus my heart. to allow the Lord to speak truth over me.
is it hard? yes. is it devestating? no. and hopefully i can remember that the next time my heart travels down that path.
psalm 112.7- she will have no fear of bad news. her heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
ahh, why do i listen to these lies? hum, i think i'll save analyzing that for another post...
in the meantime, i've decided to start using this blog as a make-shift journal. i'm not fantastic at journaling, but i cannot tell you how many times i've wished i was. way too many seasons of my life that needed to be recorded- all the ups and downs, the emotions, the crazy thinking, the processing, the teachings from the Lord and the growth.
i am currently transitioning from one season and heading into another. about a year ago my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy. at the time of her diagnosis she was having 40+ seizures a day. the diagnosis was completely devestating and the journey that followed was beyond difficult. for now i will leave out all the details (and maybe save them for another blog) but i will say that that journey seriously altered my life in so many ways.
last week my daughter had her 4th EEG and for the first time it did not show any seizure activity. still, this brings me to tears. healing is in His hands. so amazing to be able to say that. here's the problem: shouldn't i be more happy to say that?
don't get me wrong, a seizure free report is the news i have been waiting for for almost a year. but now that i have it my heart and mind have jumped to worrying about the next thing- her development. because of her seizures my daughter has displayed some developmental delay. she is almost 2 and cannot scoop with a spoon or stab with a fork. she can stack 1-2 blocks, but not 6 like the milestones say she should. when walking she trips ALL the time. she doesn't play pretend anything. and when around other kids she doesn't seem to engage in playing with them. we are working with a special instructor and an occupational therapist to help her "catch up," and it has truly helped. but still she is behind. and still i worry.
i let my mind wander down the road of "what ifs..." and eventually these scenarios so consume my thoughts that i come close to completely giving up. why do i let her delay discourage me the way i do? the perfectionist side of me says that if my daughter isn't "perfect" then i have done something wrong and am to be blamed. period. i find myself running to every excuse, trying to defend myself and my daughter against any attach- but WAIT... NO ONE IS ATTACKING. NO ONE IS ACCUSING. NO ONE IS CRITICIZING.
i have this horrible tendency to believe the lies that satan throws at me- i'm only as good as the perfect image that i can display. i'm only as good as the perfect image my family can display. i'm only as good as my best accomplishment, or my cutest outfit, or my witty conversation, or my best decorated room, or my... whatever. pick a topic, and i can find a way to let it determine my worth. and for this season of my life, it is my daughters development that daily influences how i feel about myself... and my future.
so now, i must write the truth. even if i'm not fully believing it. i have to begin by telling it to myself before i can begin believing it. as the shane & shane song says, "Lord i know if you change my mind, you will change my heart in time." so here it is:
1) i and my daughter are fearfully and wonderfully made
2) God has plans for a hope and a future for both of us
3) He can use all things for His glory
4) perfect doesn't exist
5) God cans still use her to bring Himself glory
6) God can still give her a heart that is undivided in her love for Him
7) i do not know what tomorrow holds, so i can stop worrying
8) developmental delay is not THAT big of a deal
9) God has chosen me to be her mom and has prepared me for whatever may come
10) God is fully aware of my daughter and me. in fact He is intimate in my everyday.
i know that i will likely continue to struggle with my daughter's development- to be discouraged by it from time to time, and to occasionally get overwhelmed by the situation. but i needed to take the time today to refocus my heart. to allow the Lord to speak truth over me.
is it hard? yes. is it devestating? no. and hopefully i can remember that the next time my heart travels down that path.
psalm 112.7- she will have no fear of bad news. her heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)