this post has been twirling in my mind for several weeks now (hence the huge gap between posts). i've been trying to get it just right and have finally decided that i just need to get it out and see what comes of it. also, i'm finally going to let the world, i.e. facebook, know that i'm blogging, so i wanted this to be a great post. pride, i know. but i'm letting go of it so i can simply stop thinking about this post.
recently i've been thinking about how i am actually grateful for the unknown. now those of you who know me well know that this is a very unlike me statement to make. and most of the time, i really hate the unknown. i want to know the plan. i want to know what's coming. i want to pretend that i'm prepared and ready for everything. i don't like the unknown.
but, as i've been looking back over this past year, i've come to discover how truly blessed i was by the unknown. when my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy last march her entire future became this huge question mark. what did this diagnosis mean? what was causing the seizures? will she ever outgrow the seizures? will we ever find a medicine that will stop them? how will this affect her development? so, so, so many questions and NO answers. for 8 months the doctor could not answer any of these. and i, in the midst of it all, was hating the unknown.
despite my hatred of the unanswered questions i, for some reason, kept myself from researching the internet for possible answers. the Lord pressed it heavily upon my heart that i needed to stay away from the searching. and now, one year later, i am beginning to understand why.
about a month ago a friend told me about a college friend of her's who's child was exhibiting similar seizure activity to my daughters, but she never recognized it as seizures or took her child to the doctor to get it examined. sadly, the child ended up having a grand mal seizure that took her life. i cannot even write that without feeling overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. my friend, in her wisdom, did not share this story with me as it was happening last summer. had i heard this story last summer, i don't know if i would have been able to cope with that possibility in my daughter's life. a case of the good unknown.
several weeks ago i was browsing through the blog of a friend of a friend (read her post on May 9)- this family has a daughter that was born right around the same time as my daughter, and has been diagnosed with epilepsy, along with several other disabilities. her 2 year old is close to a 5 month old developmentally. i don't know if the seizures are the source of her delays and disabilities, but as i read i couldn't help but be grateful that i didn't know that my daughters seizures could have taken her down a much more difficult road. again, so glad i didn't know.
so, despite my continued desire to be in the know, i have learned, and continue to learn, that there is something precious and valuable in the unknown.
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