has me concerned

these are the words that i am so (so so so so so) very tired of hearing.  ... has me concerned.  yes this phrase is still be uttered in b's doctor's appointments.  and it is hard to hear.  tear jerking hard.  i try to be brave but i'm tired of these words.

in the beginning of october we took a 4 hour road trip to visit a pediatric geneticist.  in june our neurologist suggested we visit a geneticist, just to make sure we weren't missing anything genetically related to her seizures.  having been in good health (seizure free for almost a year) and showing consistent development, i believed this would be a "nothing" appointment.  check in, all's good, check out. 

really, erika?  really?  since when have we had one of those appointments since this whole journey started a year and a half ago????

maybe that thinking made the weeks leading up to the appointment easier... but it certainly didn't help when the doctor uttered ... has me concerned several times.

the good:  she has been seizure free for almost a year.  she is developing.  all her tests have come back negative.  her last EEG and MRI were good. 

the bad: she had seizures, source unknown.  she is behind developmentally.  just because one test comes back negative, that doesn't mean there isn't something else that shouldn't also be tested.  the distance between her eyes, the size of her forehead, and the height of her nasal cavity are all bigger than they normally see.  WHAT???  yeah, that last one kind of put me over the edge.  what does all that mean?  well, maybe nothing.  but maybe something.  so we're doing another test.  sigh.

every parent wants to believe their child is perfect.  perfect health.  perfect development.  perfect looks.  perfect health got stripped from me awhile ago.  followed by the development.  all of the sudden, my beautiful baby girl had freakishly large eyes and forehead and nasal cavity.  i hate saying that, but it is an honest confession of where my mind went.  i went to bed that night thinking that everything about her face was crazy-like out of proportion.

and then i saw her the next morning.

and the LORD spoke psalm 139 over my heart,
for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  i praise you because i am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well.

beauty.  that is all i see.  inside and out.  special.  chosen.  joy.  beauty.  my baby girl.

if there is something different about her face, the LORD has chosen it for His specific purposes.  if there is something different about her health, the LORD has chosen it for His specific purposes.  if there is something different about her development. the LORD has chosen it for His specific purposes.  for my good and His glory.

really, this is where i want to stop, but just so you know what's next... we wait until december when she will see a metabolic specialist.  this doctor will examine her occasional tremors (in hands and eyes), which was noticed by the geneticist.  he will decide if he wants to do any testing, in regards to the tremors, and then we will also complete the test ordered by the geneticist.  and then... we do life.  we return home and do life and continue to watch God's plan unfold in our lives.  the doctors may be concerned, but my God is not.

an introduction, part 1: i'm so proud of him

here he is, the hubs.  my honey.  my best friend.  sooo cute, right?

so let me introduce you to him:

1.  he hates chocolate (result: that empty bag of oreos was eaten entirely by me)

2.  he was a division 1 swimmer for butler university

3.  his favorite chick flick is "sweet home alabama"

4.  he has house clothes- a soft shirt and either basketball shorts or sweats that he dives into the minute he gets home.  it's a bad day when the house clothes don't get worn at least once

5.  watches every minute of the tour de france every summer

6.  the first baby he held was our daughter

7.  is an extremely gifted teacher, especially with sports

8. he doesn't like to talk about hypothetical situations, but he does like to day dream

9.  he likes to go unnoticed

10.  has competed in one full, one olympic distance and two half ironman triathlons.

and this last point is why i'm so proud of him.  a week and a half ago he finished his second half ironman triathlon.  after a 1.2 mile swim, a 56 mile bike, a 13.1 mile run, a flat tire, a broken derailer (apparently this is a very important bike piece?), and a torrential downpour, he finished in 5 hours and 29 minutes.  not quite the time he was hoping for.  and while he is disappointed, i couldn't be prouder.  this race showed who my husband is: he is dedicated to what he loves, he fights to finish no matter what the obstacles, he strives for excellence in all he does and is not satisfied with anything less.  he's my ironman (gotta throw some sort of cheesy line in here, right?)

at the start of the race... if you can't tell, that's nervousness and annoyance written on his face :)

shameless bribing

the following is a video of B and i doing a puzzle.  oh the puzzles.  when she first started receiving OT services one of our assignments was to work on puzzles to help her develop her fine motor skills.  then when she started working with a speech therapist she suggested we use puzzles to help B develop her speech- offer choices and require her to tell us what she wants.  puzzles, the magical toy.  and for the majority of the past 10 months i have thought of them as "those d*** puzzles."  B had little to no interest in puzzles, and there are only so many times in an hour i can say which piece do you want, the yellow or the red?  the cow or the horse?  the circle or the square?  shoot me now or later?  ok, not as bad as all that, but seriously not my favorite activity.  until the m&m's.  oh the gloriousness of the m&m.  all you haters out there don't go judging me for the sugar... or the ingredient "coloring blue 2 lake"... or the bribing.  it worked and i will forever be indebted to the m&m.  plus they are peanut m&m's, so the nutritional value is definitely there.  somewhere.  anyways, here's the video of us puzzling.  and fine motor skilling.  and offering choices.  and being awesome.

educational sidenotes:

in this video you can see B working on both her fine motor skills and her speech.  for the fine motor skills she is working on turning a piece to appropriately fit it's hole, plus she is recognizing where the piece belongs and learning to turn the piece without prompting.  for speech, we offer her choices: do you want the red or the blue.  majority of the time she will repeat whatever was offered last.  at this point she doesn't care which one i give her, but i'm told that eventually she will care which piece she receives and through offering her choices she will learn that words have meaning and are how she communicates what she truly wants.  we are also working on distinguishing colors (although not our primary focus) and her chewing skills (the size of the peanut m&m prevents her from just swallowing her candy).

your forgiveness is requested...

hi, my name is erika and i am an unfaithful blogger.  oh how noble my intentions.  oh how pathetic the results.  all i can say is i think that i just found my head and am in the process of reattaching it to my body.  pending a successful reattachment i think that i'm back.  i hope.  so here i am, asking for your forgiveness for my long absence.

moving on: just because i haven't been posting does not mean that i haven't been thinking about the many different things i want to share with ya'll.  so, just to lure you into the all-too-fascinating world of "the grimmer life" here are a couple titles of posts to come:

*  an introduction- i believe that a proper introduction is necessary of all the babies and hubbies (let me clarify, there is only one hubbie to introduce) that i ramble on and on about
* the buttons on the fridge- a short story of how the frustrations have become blessings
* where you at- an update on B, her development, her seizures, etc.
* shameless bribing- somewhat self descriptive

hope that encourages you to come back... and holds me accountable to actually posting those in a timely manner.

so, i will leave you with pictures of what occupied the remainder of our summer- a trip up to illinois to visit the hubby's side of the family.  fun times had at birthday parties, in the pool and at the playground. love visiting family!

did NOT like the fountains and the splashing water and the sheer scariness of baby pools...

ok, maybe i'm ok if GG is here...

um, thinking about it, and...

yeah, i love it

b, on the other hand, loved every minute of splashing glory

backyard photo-op

really mom?  another picture?

so maybe i was going for the whole peek-around-the-tree-senior-picture-pose.  maybe.

i cannot, for the life of me, get a great picture of the two of them

uncle steve & aunt paige

grandpa g and grandma g (gg)



 















colorado, casa bonita, catching up, cool creatures and cabins

i'm back.  sorry for the absence, but, we went to colorado.  and taking a vacation requires 3 weeks: one week for preparing, packing and cleaning.  one week for vacationing.  and one week for recovering.  yes, 3 weeks is the absolute minimum time requirement for a complete vacation ;)

we took our 2nd annual august trip to colorado... the state i will always call home. i heart colorado, very much.  i also heart my family very much.  and i really heart my husband and kiddos, very much.  so the combo of these three hearts made for a great trip.  here's the itinerary and the pics that captured much of the vacation.  

monday: drive for 12 hours.  i DO NOT heart 12 hour road trips with two kids.  at all.

tuesday: dinner at CASA BONITA!!!  for those of you unfamiliar with CASA BONITA, it is a "popular" denver tourist attraction filled with horrible food, cheesy shows and CLIFF DIVERS.  hard to explain... must be experienced.  and then it is probably necessary to watch the "south park: casa bonita" episode after.  probably.

wednesday: dinner with wonderful friends from high school.  6 kids under the age of four.

thursday:  all family dinner with discussions of next summer's sibling vacation... greece, costa rica or vancouver here we come!

friday:  denver zoo.  love me some zoo.
saturday: the hubs rides a 100 mile bike ride in the mountains- the copper triangle.  we enjoy a night away from the kiddos on lake dillon.

sunday:  beau jo's pizza... in the mountains... with honey for the crust... it doesn't get better.

monday:  ikea.  yes, denver now has an ikea, and the state just got that much better.
tuesday:  12 hour drive home.  hate when the mountains are in the review mirror and not on the horizon.

great state.  great family.  great trip.

grandma, grandpa, uncle eddie, the hubs and kiddos at CASA BONITA.  notice the awesome waterfall in the background.  awesome.

the fam

uncle eddie, aunt brita

aunt kim, uncle taylor, g looking awkward

the grandparents

our hands are full... of great things

wondering how i can move out to colorado

i figured it out!!!... i'll be a cliff diver for CASA BONITA

grandpa and the kiddos ubber excited for the zoo

evidence that we did see "cool creatures" as the title suggests

aunt kim and b fascinated by the swimming polar bear

b and the 9 foot polar bear... my money's on b

b, the diva, and aunt b on a chair ride

g finding the chair ride game fascinating, hilarious and extremely distracting from dinner time

 

lake dillon.  awesome.  not being sarcastic this time.





 

wait, it's not on the list!!!

in recent weeks i've been going to bed 1) exhausted and 2) slightly discouraged from my lack of "accomplishments" during the day.  yes i have two kiddos under the age of 3.  yes it is 100 degrees outside which makes inside play the only option.  and yes, when naptime hits i have little to no desire to be productive.  so last night i made a list of all the things i hoped to accomplish today.

i love lists.


i love crossing things off my list in sharpie.


this list might have too many things on it.


so when i got up this morning at 6:30 (ok, 6:40... but doesn't 6:30 sound so much earlier and much more painful?) i tried to start on the list, beginning with my quiet time.  yes i put that on the list --> 1) it helps to keep me accountable and 2) i like crossing things (anything) off my list. 

well the quiet time lasted for about 10 minutes before the babies demanded my attention.  so, does 10 minutes count as a quiet time?  what i'm really asking is, can i cross it off my list?  mostly joking... mostly.

now it's 7 am and i start feeding a baby.  then i change diaper #1.  then diaper #2.  then i start in on breakfast.  but then "big house" by audio adrenaline comes on the radio and i have to do a little song and dance number for the babies to show them how cool i was in 8th grade.  (and yes, that song is STILL on the radio).  first is applesauce and medicine for B.  then time to scramble the eggs for B.  now serve B her breakfast.

next G gets his applesauce and cereal. 

breakfast for babies ends, breakfast for mama begins.  and ends quickly.  diaper #3 calls.  oh and it's laundry day.  start the laundry.  time to dress B, and G, and mama.  and then it hits me.  NONE.OF.THIS.IS.ON.MY.LIST.

not the diapers. x3

not the breakfast. x3

not the "big house" song and dance

not the laundry. x6 loads

not the clothes. x4 -B required a wardrobe change.

and i'll be honest, there was a part of me that wanted to run to my list to write all this on it.  i wanted to feel like i was actually accomplishing something this morning.  but i resisted.  i'm learning (VERY SLOWLY) that all these small non-list tasks are F.U.L.L. of accomplishment, regardless of whether or not it is on the list.

i think that this is all a part of the joy (and growing pains) of learning to be a stay-at-home mom--> reevaluating and restructuring daily priorities and learning what are the true "to-dos" of the day.  so here's hoping that today you can cross something off your list while recognizing all the valuable things you did today that are not on your list.

p.s.  i have crossed 4 out of the 11 things off my list ;)

a good read

i just read this article after my friend posted it on her facebook page.  if you are a parent or are thinking about one day becoming a parent then you should read this.  i think you'll like it.

"Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)